1. Do not walk more than 2 abreast. When you walk in long chains or four or five people across, others can't get around you. Walk in single file, or if you must, want 2 abreast. That way you tend to walk faster and other can get around you. Also, if your family tends to walk in the "modified beehive" pattern, go die. Seriously. The "modified beehive" consists of a core of adults with a protective meshwork of children and adolescents. They're too spread out to go around, and too thick to penetrate. I have tried both, and collided with a worker bee and got a dirty look from a core member. Not that the core members could do anything about it. "Modified Beehives" are usually instigated by old people with hovering family, or foreigners and their kids. Evidently I must give off a "I will punch out an old person and I will call ICE on your family" vibe, because after the initial glare, the cores always leave me alone.
2. Don't get drunk. Mind you, I like to drink. Lemur Queen could tell you of an event last week there I drank 72 ounces of alcoholic beverage in less than 2 hours. But you know what I did after that? I left, and WALKED home. Quietly, without bothering anybody. When you're in a crowd, you need all your faculties of balance, speach, and situational awareness. You don't need to be tottering about and almost stomping on toddlers. Also, if you're a female and drunk, please don't dance. You're going to fall and hurt yourself, and the fat guy standing next to you who just wanted to see the public fireworks.
3. Don't pick a fight. Yes, you may be the second coming of Bruce Lee, but trust me, fighting in crowds is a bad idea. That one annoying guy that made a snooty comment about your woman probably isn't alone. I had a buddy who once THOUGHT he was just going to teach *A* soldier "some manners" and wound up taking on 3 squads (that's 18 guys!). Also, I happen to know that often, that short little guy who's mouthing off to you, may be a master of martial arts, or he's packing heat. Either way is bad, so don't fight. Let the fact that a guy stepped on your shoe slide, and just go home.
4. BATHE REGULARLY. Holy cow. I shouldn't have to say this, but some of you smell like you rolled though a manure and onion factory, put on your "lucky" pants (that you haven't washed since the Carter Administration), and went to town! You shouldn't need to be told this! Soap and deoderant is a good thing! Use it!
Four rules! That's all I ask! Four! BAH!!
Ok, I fell better now.
Fat Rock.
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