Monday, September 29, 2008

Creepy Local Update Post


Well, as some of you know, I live in the south. There are certain stereotypes about people who live here, and most of them are not flaterring. Well, those stereotypes exist for a reason. Here's an example:

Me (walking out of a Little Ceaser's, holding my $5 pizza): "Do do do do I love cheese do de doo do..."

Middle Aged Dude in Overalls: "'Sceuse me buddy, have yew gots some nail clippers by chance?"

Me: *looks at my nails* Uh, no sir.

M*A*D*O: "Yew ain't got no nails?"

Me: "Well Sir, I've got nails, I just don't use a clipper. I bite my nails. Bad habit I guess."

M*A*D*O: "Hell, that won't werk fer me. I ain't got no teef!"

At this point he opens his mouth to smile, and I see his fully toothless and caverness maw for the first time. Yowsa.

The South Shall Rise Again! As soon as we can get some dentists!

Fat Rock.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Shopping Fantasia!

So, we went shopping the other day. Shopping for furniture. As a newly married man, I had no idea I was missing out of the some of the utter necessities of life until my wife told me. WE NEED A CHINA CABINET was rattling in my brain at high volume from my lovely lady Lemur booming it at me with the same force of a physician saying YOU NEED A TETANUS SHOT the last time I was in an ER. I guess it's one of those things you didn't know you needed until *poof* you really need it, and now. So we looked around. A few notes on the places:



Rooms to GO: Evidently the newest haunt of Cindy Crawford. While I can understand that anyone would just leap at the opportunity to design your own crappy living room set to foist on people, c'mon Cindy, you can do so much better. I did enjoy walking into the store and being totally ignored by the salespeople, who were arguing over who's turn it was to go to break. But they're stuff was overpriced, and not exactly what normal people would need. Unless you course you needed to drop $300 on anatomically correct metal greyhounds.












Haverty's: If King Tut were alive now and looking to decorate his new "crib", he'd be shopping at Haverty's. Mind you, my wife bought a very nice bookshelf from there that was quite tasteful, but that line was discontinued because "shoppers thought it was too plain". I guess by "too plain" they mean "not enough gargoyles on it" or "not something a Neuvo Riche tasteless dweeb would want to decorate his overpriced south Florida mansion that he just bought and now wants to decorate in true Tony Montana style"




*Note to Wife's Friends: The above was a Scarface reference*


*Additional Note: Wife has just informed me that the Haverty's furniture reminded her of how "Guidos" would decorate, if they came into some sudden money. More on "Guidos" later*


Ethan Allen: Wow, are THEY ever proud of their furniture! I'll admit it's nice stuff, but it's three times the price of other furniture stores! It was nice however to be able to wander about the store unmolested by over-eager salespeople. I guess we smelled like poor people to them or something. What do poor people really smell like? Cabbage and cheap booze I guess, or at least that what the sales lady told us.




Ivy Cottage Antiques: Nice place, smack in the middle of the ghetto. Seriously. We were right across the street from "Dr. Stylz Urban Threadz" and the parking lot had big signs up pleading with us not to leave valuables in the car. Aside form that, the place was great. Good prices, helpful sales staff, and a lot of really quite stuff. A few close runners up, taken using the old cell phone cam.




Those were nice, but this is the piece we bought. It was not too expensive, delivery fee was very small, and delivery people were very nice. But this is it:


I like it. Tune in next time for what else I found while we were out, and how my rampant case of the giggles almost got us thrown out of the furniture store.

Fat Rock.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Ballet Flamboyance?

As my darling wife said earlier, we went to the ballet the other day. This was the same day as the "Neighbor Domestic Violence" episode, so I've had other things on my mind. But I need to let a male point of view be heard for this event. A bit of background: I used to be the head administrative TA of the theatre dept where I went to college. I was a science major, trapped with a bunch of "artists" who thought they could dance, sing and act. It made me appreciate artists, their processes and what they have to go through to be heard. Also, I got to torment arts majors by using cold calculating logic and reason to destroy whatever argument they presented for extra points or a higher grade. BUT I digress.

So Lemur Queen and I have been to ballet before: Carmen. It was good. Very good. I actually have a favorite male dancer in the troupe, and he was the bullfighter. Good mechanics, good emotion, good synchro, good dancer. Good times:
http://www.carolinaballet.com/Bio-Bongar.html

It was at that time I found a had a dancer that I didn't like so much, namely because the entire time he was dancing, he looked like he was straining on a toilet or recovering from a particularly potent kick to the groin. I prefer my dancers non-weepy, thank you very much:
http://www.carolinaballet.com/Bio-Bourtasenkov.html



Anyways, the ballet we went to had three parts. Something classical with 4 pairs and a big finale. The second part was supposed to be a "representation of human rights abuses in the world", and the third was a new piece of work made up by the resident choreographer/Adrian Monk Impersonator. Oh yeah, he totally looked like that Monk guy, and I was just waiting for him to start touching the microphone repeatedly as an OCD guy is wanton to do.

The first part was "eh". My favorite dancer wasn't on there, but this guy was:
http://www.carolinaballet.com/Bio-Barnes.html
I enjoyed his work, he moved well and had emotional expression that built as the piece went on. But they didn't give him enough to do. The girl he was partnered with had this "I just took 20 hits of E" look on her face, and pretty much used him as a coat rack. Oh, and there was an amazon there. She was in the last pair, but she was huge. She had to be 6'. At least. She was good, but big.http://www.carolinaballet.com/Bio-Osetek.html

The second piece was UNBELIEVABLE. The primary dancers (the male ones) were the "prisoners" and they portrayed suffering, fear, strength, despair, and hope all in sequence and all in amazing realism. There was also an asian girl in the red dress who was a primary, who was an incredible representation of both hope, freedom, and rescue. It was great!

The third piece was not so good. Adrian Monk failed us all. The only cool part was a scene with two dancers moving as a heart. The rest was...well........it was a stereotypical modern ballet where everything was laden with metaphysical meaning and depth but ended up being a bunch of very fit people writhing on stage.

Anyways, all in all we enjoyed it. I like the arts, and will probably continue to go to shows and put some money in the tin when it's passed. I also love to people watch. There's a lot of interesting people at the ballet. You have elderly wealthy socialites, trying to show it all off. You've got college girls wearing the latest in unflattering Maxi dresses with authentic 1980's style hooker earrings. There's the obliging parents bringing their daughter out to see the pretty ballerinas (the cutest is when the little girls are actually wearing the point shoes from their class and try to walk out on their toes at the end of the performance). You've also got the date couples there. You can always tell them apart. The girl is usually really enjoying the show, and the guy is freaked out about the guys in tight costumes and whether or not anybody is seeing him do this. The average guy I guess is afraid of "looking gay" by being seen at the ballet. I don't have that fear. Everyone my work knew that I was going to the ballet, and I was looking forward to it. Also, I worked in a freaking theatre for two years and I have seen some pretty gay stuff. You don't want to hear the stories. But I can tell you, going to the ballet never made anyone gay. Go see the show.



http://echosphere.net/star_trek_insp/star_trek_insp.html

Monday, September 8, 2008

A night at the ballet

As you already know I have the greatest husband on earth. Handsome, strong, willing to protect me from bugs, etc. etc. etc.

Well, get ready to be TOTALLY jealous ladies; he goes to the ballet. Back in the day (aka, the ‘90’s) I was a ballerina. Well, more like, I took many classes in ballet, and did something that to the untrained eye, resembled ballet. Not quite as bad as “hippos in Fantasia” but not “opening night of Swan Lake at Lincoln Center” either.

Although my dancing days are done, I still enjoy the ballet more than you average almost-30-something. This is not a trait shared by most straight men. So imagine my surprise and joy when Fat Rock took me to the ballet, back when we were dating. And this was no amateur night. This was front row, center seats to the opening night of Carmen. And if that wasn’t enough, he LIKED it. Nay, he LOVED it. He had favorite dancers for heavens sake!

This was no simple attempt to prove his love to his lady lemur. Oh no. And to prove it, we again attended the ballet. And this one was a true litmus test. THREE world premiere ballets, all created at summer workshop. Those of you not in the ballet know, this is the dance equivalent of avant-garde one artist show at the gallery. Could be great, could be elephant poop on the Virgin Mary.

We head out. Excellent seats in a small college auditorium. We get there early so there is plenty of time for people watching.

There are old people of both the arty and non arty persuasion. You can tell them apart by their attire. The arty are wearing clunky beaded necklaces with their simple dresses. Non-arty? Sunday best with pearls. Oddly enough, this describes the attire of the women AND the men. I kid, I kid! But the men are out numbered 10 to 1.

There are young women of both the young and not so young variety. Apparently the maxi dress is back. This is a dress, strapless or not, that most closely resemble a giant bedsheet. Yes, the 70’s are back and they are angry. Strange hairdos and feathery earrings complete the ensemble. I w as slightly distracted by the girl in the purple strapless dress who appeared to adjust her Junk at every intermission. I never knew girls had Junk to adjust. Live and learn.

Time for the ballet! First an introduction by the artistic director, who bared more than a passing resemblance to “Monk.” Dance #1. 4 pas de deux’s to some Tchaikovsky. Very pretty, very traditional. Only slightly distracted by the GIANT Amazon female in the fourth dance. Seriously, I think if anyone dared to criticize her dancing, she would have jumped off the stage and beat you to death with her pointe shoe.
Dance #2. “Code of Silence.” As stated in the program “Code of Silence is inspired by the tireless efforts of Amnesty International to document human rights abuses around the globe and here in our own country.” Arty, no? It was FREAKING AWESOME. I was on the edge of my seat. I was exhausted by the end of the dance. Brought the house down. Standing ovations for all. Seriously, I’m not sure if it will be added to their usual ballet repertoire, but if you get the chance, SEE it.
Dance #3 “Time Gallery.” Based on time. Choreographed by Mr. Monk himself. This could go either way. Yeah, it went the crappy way. Kind of uncomfortable for us, because the artistic director/choreographer/Monk was sitting right in front of us, taking notes. The costumes were………interesting. Dance #1 had super tight leotards on the girls and boys, every muscle stood out. Hmm. Dancer muscles. Dance #2, Unitards with clocks printed on them. Looked like bubbles were coming out of their……..bottoms. Not the finest moment in ballet attire. Dance #3 red unitards. ‘Nuff said.

A review. 2/3s of the dances were AWESOME. People in coastal NC have interesting interpretations of what is appropriate ballet attire. The artistic director of the Carolina Ballet may, in fact, moonlight as a detective. Amazon ballerina will haunt my dreams.

I love art.

Lemur Queen

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Our Impending DOOM!!! (echo: Doom.....Doom......Doom.....)

Gentle Readers and Assorted Ne'er Do Wells!!




The Fortress is once again under assault! And this time it's Mother Nature that's doing the pounding! Seriously, Tropical Storm Hannah is about to hit the Carolina Coast and we may have to vamoose. Of course, the factory I work at will not be closing or even letting us off early. Why do that when they can screw us? Sigh.



But still, it seems that Hannah will not be hitting hurricane strength again, so we should be cool. As of right now I'm of a mind to stay. I sat through Fran, Floyd, Bertha, Dennis, Hugo, and Bob. Mind you, none of that was at the coast, but still I should get some Man Points. Lemur Queen is upset, not because of the storm itself, mind you, but because the storm is MESSING UP all our plans for her parents to come down and visit.

And we were gonna serve blintzes! *sniff* Oh well, more for me!

We'll let you know how this all pans out.

Fat Rock.