Ah...... Surpise Kung Fu Porn.......

Ever get caught doing something that you weren't really doing. Like pulling out of a parking lot that services two buildings, a great pizza parlor and a strip club? Well, one of my wife's friends saw me doing that, and I got reported. What I was doing was just breaking my diet, but I was turned in for allegedly staring down another woman's sweater meat. What saved me was it was 1:30 pm on a Tuesday, and it turns out that Bigun's Gentleman's Club didn't open until 4 that day. There's was no way I could have been gazing into the eyes of a strange woman's nipple. So I was off the hook, and I got my double cheese/double bacon pizza with no punishment.



But I had a similar circumstance happen to me recently. I was new in town, and looking for a good video rental place. Not like Blockbuster, but a real movie place. Basically, I wanted crappy Kung Fu movies. I crave Kung Fu movies like a fat kid wants chocolate. I own tons of them:



Street Fighter,

Return of the Street Fighter,

Sister Street Fighter,

Fists of Fury,

Kung Fu Hustle,

Born Invincible,

Drunken Master,

36 Chambers of Shaolin

Return to the 36 Chambers of Shaolin, etc, etc.



But you get the point. If it's dubbed and horrible, and has punching, I'll love it. But a problem has arisen. I had just moved, and all my movies were in boxes. So I asked a co-worker, T.A.D., where I could find cheezy movies. "Oh, you need to go to Kung Fu Classics," says T.A.D, "they've been open for years, and I've never been there, but they've got to have what you need." I am on cloud nine the rest of the morning. On my lunch break, I tear out and find the place. Kung Fu Classics. And just my luck, it's open. So I walk in, and am greeted by a wall of crappy awesomeness. They have everything, even the obscure stuff like "Master of the Flying Guillotine" and the wildly redubbed Wu Tang Clan movies. But then I noticed something. All the movies are on video tape. No DVDs. There's even a few Betamax tapes tucked into the action-packed gems on the shelves. And......the movies are covered in dust. Odd. It's about that time I notice the plywood door in the back on the display area. I figured the DVDs were in the back, they had to be. With a name like Kung Fu Classics........there has to be Kung Fu DVDs around here somewhere. So I throw open the door and march into the back room.



Holy Crap.



porn.



And not just porn......but PORN. The back room is at least 3 times the size of the front room, and is filled with a cornucopia of naughtiness. I was unpleasantly surprised. I mean, I'm not gay or anything, but I was there for one thing and one thing only: to buy badly dubbed slugfests with names like "Sliver Fox versus Eagle" or "Blood of the Dragon". I was certainly not there for "Babes Behind Bars 15: Pudding Doom" or whatever. There's no one else in the place, except a 900 year old black guy wearing a black beanie. The man was so old he probably farted dust. And he was definately wearing a beanie cap. I looked dead at it from 3 feet away. It looked like the beanie hat Goober wore on the Andy Griffith Show. Undaunted, I asked where the Kung Fu was. Goober was stumped for few seconds, but it dawned on him I was looking for non-dirty movies, and he immediately shooed me out.



Seems I wasn't the type of customer they wanted...............



Fat Rock.