Running VICTORY!

That's right. despite my previously reported slowness, I am now a prize winning runner! And not just a finisher's medal, or a door prize. Oh no. An honest to goodness 1st in my age group winner.
But first, a story.
The local runners community is small, and you tend to see the same people over and over. One of these runners is someone Fat Rock and I call "the Poser." She is skinny, and blond, and FAST. She typically runs in those tiny little buns, and a padded sports bra. Her hair is pulled back in a roll, with a plastic flower. Now, you may be thinking "geez Lemur Queen, stalker, much?" Well, she's hard to miss. First, she's FAST. And the fast runners are easy to spot, even before the race. Tanned bodies, buns of steel, very little clothing, fancy shoes, sprinting around as a warm up. Second, and more importantly, she POSES. Thus her name. Due to my aforementioned slowness, I have had limited opportunities to enjoy her posing, but Fat Rock says that once she finishes a race, the Poser selects a high visibility area and, well, poses. Typically with padded sports bra in full display.
At this last race, Fat Rock was standing near the finish with the pup. Apparently, this was the best posing space at this race, and Fat Rock was in the way. After several dirty looks, the Poser found another spot to stand, and began suggestively eating a banana. Let me say that again. Suggestively. Eating. A. Banana. And I missed it. It makes me wish I was faster. Unfortunately, she was gone by the time I dragged my slightly less firm bottom across the finish.
But, on to my VICTORY! This weekend's race was a small one, maybe 75 people? So from the start I liked my odds. But given my track record of mediocrity at races, I tried not to get my hopes up. It was a trail run, which actually worked in my favor. I'm not fast, but I'm steady and tenacious. That's why I like longer races. Still, I was SHOCKED when I checked the finish times, and saw that 1 next to my name. AND I got a prize. Reusable wine bag, Mary Kay "satin hands" and a bottle of Apricot juice. Maybe not impressive to you, but I shall now purchase my wine with PRIDE using my victory bag. And winning made it easier to get on my bike that afternoon for my second workout.
I've got a standing to uphold
Lemur Queen

Freak Night at Wal-Mart

Well, we ran out of bread and milk last night. So, I get sent out to get said items, AND candy for Lemur Queen. She was having a crap week at work, and needed candy. So, Wal-Mart seems to have "theme" nights some nights. Last night was "Douchebag and Alternative Family" Night. Place was stacked to the rafters with Jersey Shore wannabees, walking around looking completely pissed off. AND trying to flex at the same time. Nice.

Also the alternatives were there. Mostly loving gay couples with some sort of child there. Note I said "some sort". There was one couple that was getting on my nerves, as they were blocking my way to the particular type of candy my wife wanted. One guy was over 400lbs if he was an ounce. And he was carrying a large purse. And he was getting his buttocks STROKED by the 250lb man directly behind him. And I mean STROKING his ass. Literally, like you would rub a dog or something. They had a giant bag of kitten chow in their cart, and were completely blocking my way to the Hershey Display. No pun intended. So after waiting a bit for them to move, and patiently waiting, I might add, I was treated to the strokefst while the fat gay guy was whining about the lack of potato chip selection and why did they shop at Harris Teeter? The thinner gay guy was very sorry honey, but the prices there are just too high. So, I walked over, and said "excuse me, guys, I need to grab something off the shelf behind you". I was met with the blank, open-mouthed stare. Then they stood stock still. Would not move. A second "Excuse me" didn't get any movement either. So, I did the asshole thing, and reached right by then, grabbing what I wanted off the shelf. The I heard it. A mewing. I kitten mewing. FROM THE FAT GUY'S PURSE. The guy gasped, opened his purse, and stuffed a fat hand in the bag to calm an orange tabby kitten. Those queens had smuggled in a kitten to Wal-Mart, so they could have their "family" all together while they assembled more tools for their own hyper-obsesity and butt stroking. Unbelievable.

The Goblins are going BACK!

This is in part a happy post, and partly a sad post. This is happy because it's back to school time, and parents are getting a break. This is also a happy time because the college students are going back to school, and the quality of strippers at the local clubs will be improving drastically. Please note: I was told this by Rod "the Bod" at work, whose encyclopedic knowledge of the proffession of stripping, pornogarphy, and adult entertainers is legendary. I don't know this personally. I'm originally from Fayetteville, where the strippers are the same all year around. Seriously, Lemur Queen would tear off my twig and berries if I came home from a strip club.

But it's also a sad post because the traffic situation in our town is about to get a lot more screwed up. Yep! School Busses! And of course the parents who can't let their Precious Little Darlings (PLDs) ride the big nasty bus and must drive them to school personally. If you go to a private school and have no bus service, you are excluded from that comment. The bus drivers in my town are good. They don't abuse the power of the stop sign, and try to move a decent speeds. They will, by and large, allow people to pass them. My problem is with the traffic cops. One traffic cop. The Midget Deputy. The Midget Deputy works the traffic beat at the local elementary school that is on a busy 4 lane road with a grassy median. This 4 lane road is an artery for people who have to work downtown (me), and in the mornings the north-bound lanes are packed with workers and soccer moms transporting their PLDs in massive ass SUVs (Lady, you have one freaking kid, WHY do you need to have an Expedition Extended Edition Widebody? Crap, that thing is a tank.......and keep it in one lane, PLEASE!) The Sounthbound lane is clear and open, but has a left turn lane into the Elementary School. Enter the Midget Deputy. He can't see over his car, but he directs traffic like wee tiny iron fist. He constantly stops traffic on the northbound lane for almost no reason. One car in the turn lane? STOP ALL NORTHBOUND TRAFFIC! Turn lane empty but you see a bus coming half a mile away that might need to turn into the school? STOP ALL NORTHBOUND TRAFFIC! This little Napoleon will have traffic backed up for 3 miles. It seems he has it out for anyone wanting to drive into town. Like some woman who drove north on this road broke his heart once and now he has sworn vengeance on all northbound traffic. So, if you see a tiny man shaking his fist randomly at north moving traffic, it's him. Throw fruit. He likes it.

At ye olde unemployment office.

Don't worry, I didn't lose my job. I just got a hint about a better job at a place in town. It's manufacturing, and the STARTING wage is $2.50/hour more than I make now. So, I can't help but try. More money, more benefits, and being in a company that isn't threatening layoffs is huge for me right now. But I have to be sneaky about it. If word gets out where I work that I'm trying to go somewhere else, the idiot redneck that's my boss now will give me the shittiest jobs he can to "make me rethunk it" as to whether or not I want to leave. Yes, rethunk. He did it to the last guy who got a promotion to another department. There are a grand total of 3 guys in our group that have college degrees. The redneck calls us all "them college boys" and treats us all like shit. So I'm trying to get away.


Which brings me to the unemployment office. The company I'm trying to get into is doing all it's recruiting via the unemployment office. To turn in my application, I had to wait in line there. it was an eye-opener. Ever seen Star Wars? Remember the Mos Eisley Cantina? Well, that was pretty much the ESC (Employment Security Commission). I had Bubba Joe Jim Bob standing there jabbering at one window, looking for a "hog job. ANY hog job". He was standing next to Anferny, who was decked to the nines in Fubu, trying to get the lady at the next window to believe him when he said Taco Bell wasn't hiring. And how do unemployed people/welfare people afford full on Fubu/SeanJean outfits and/or have a constant supply of Marlboro unfiltereds? I know for a fact that "fly gear" is expensive as hell, and Cowboy Killers are over $4 a pack now. So where is that money coming from?


Anyways, so I was called back into the ESC to take a basic math and literacy test. My test time was 0930. I showed up 5 minutes early, was given a blank sheet of paper, a pencil, and told to sit down and wait for a computer. There were about 40 computers in the room, and every seat had an ass in it. All these folks were there for the 0900 test times. The test was 52 questions of basic (high school) math and reading comprehension. I figured it wouldn't be a long wait. I was wrong. 40 minutes later, someone got up from the chair and finished. I sat down and started. I finished the test in roughly 40 minutes. And I checked all the answers to every question before I submitted it. So, it actually took me about 30 mins to complete. The majority of the people who were on the computers when I came in at 0925........WERE STILL THERE. Right as I was leaving I had a very bad movie clip come to mind. Remember 2001 Space Oddessy? Remember the monkeys and the giant slab thingy? Yeah, those monkeys.

That's what it was like. Except instead of grunting and hooting there was the occasionally moan of "oh heeeeellllll no" and "hey, yew! May number from figurin' ain't on them answer buttons, yer test is wrong!" Yep. The people who were there when I left had been there for well over 1 hour and 40 minutes. Working on the same test I took. I hope I score better than they do.

Also, the monkey thing doesn't mean I think I'm better than them, it just means I touched the obelisk first.

Fat Rock.