And I thought I had bad luck......

Well, this month is Lemur Queen and I's 5 month anniversary. Yes, we're been in wedded bliss for all of almost half a year. Time flies when you're having a blast. Anyways, we went out to a Middle Eastern Restaurant, Chez Car Bomb. No, sorry, my bad. *slaps hand* *bad Fat Rock!* It was Cafe Mediterrania. It was actually really nice, and in the non-scary part of downtown. We had appetizers, wine, and a quiet dinner. Lemur Queen has the Corfu Chicken and it was great. I had Honey Glazed Lamb in Couscous, and was underwhelmed. Usually, when I order a dish with "lamb" predominantly in the title, I expect there to be more than 2 oz of lamb in the dish. And the lamb in the dish should not be 50% fat. So, I didn't really like my food. But I digress. We had a waitress. She was nice. Not very attentive, but nice. She took forever to get our orders, bring out our apps, bring out our meals, and she never refilled my water. I usually have a thirst like a dying man in the desert. I need water. I never got a refill. Lemur Queen says that what was going on was a leasurely, relaxed dinner; and I that I needed to calm down. When I disagreed with her, she reminded me that all my recent dining experiences had all be in restaurants whose names ended in -ardees. But still, the no water thing means BAD TIP. We were mulling over whether to get desert when a large group enters the establishment. A large group of old people. We're seated very close to the door, so we can see and hear the entire conversation between them and the hostess and waitress:

Perky Hostess in Tiny Vest: "Hi, Welcome to the Cafe, how many for this evening?"

Old Woman #1: "Oooooh Heellooooooo!" (Think Jerry Seinfeld making that noise at George)
Old Woman #2: "Heelloooooooo!"
Old Man #1: "EH!?!?"

At this point my wife and I are thinking these people are drunk, or insane.

PHiTV: "Uh, so there's (counts) seven of you for this evening?"

Old Man #2: "Heelloooooo! We would like to dine here!"
Old Woman #1: "We want to sit THERE!" Points to tables right by the window, which need to be bused, and oh yeah, are RIGHT behind me. Oh, and the tables are a 4-top and two 2-tops. Not a large table for a large group.
PHiTV: "Uh, those aren't clean, yet. But we have some other tables over....."
Old Woman #1: "Noooooooooo, we want there! *points with granduer at dirty tables*"
The oldsters immediately being shuffling at the dirty tables while the PHiTV is trying to corral them somewhere else.
Old Woman #3: "We have wet jackets. WE would like you to take them and put them somewhere."
PHiTV: "Uh, why not keep them with you.....
Old Woman #3: "WE do not keep our jackets. WE want to give them.....to you."
Old Man #1: "Eh? Jackets!"

At this point our waitress comes over to the dirty tables, which the oldsters have now seated themselves at. While she is clearing off the plates, taking her tip off the table, etc, the Oldsters all thrust their wet dripping coats into her arms.

Waitress: "Uh, so, uh, is this going to be all on one check?" The menu clearly states a 16% automatic gratuity on tables of 6 or more, so she is just making it.

Old Woman #1 :"Oh no, we're all separate. We don't want to spend any more money than we absolutely have to."
Old Woman #3: "Noooooo! WE do NOT! Fetch us a Menu!"

As our defeated waitress is walking past us, she asks if we want dessert. We immediately ask for our check. No way in hell we're eating next to Monty Python's Flying Cheapskate Circus. Because we knew that girl was going to have her butt run off and was NOT going to see a penny from those geezers, we left her over 20%. She didn't deserve it, but damn. we felt so sorry for her.

Fat Rock Recipies

Hi there. Are you a fat guy? Like to eat? Having trouble with the ladies due to a lack of social skill because your favorite hobbies include painting 28mm models, playing World of Warcraft, and screaming at Kung Fu movies? Well, take heart, and impress that woman (or wife) who's way out of your league by cooking for her!

Fat Rock's Chicken-Bake-Pasta-Thing (menu approved by the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster http://www.venganza.org/):

You need: 3 Skinless Boneless Chicken Breat Filets, 6 slices provolone cheese, 1 jar spaghetti sauce (any sauce will do), Fatty's Secret Spice Recipie(rosemary, thyme, garlic salt, ?????, methamphetamines), 2/3 cup pitted black olives, 1/2 cup feta cheese, 1 package of fettucini noodles.

1. Preheat oven to 450 F while thawing chicken. Make sure the chicken is thawed.

2. In a glass/pyrex pan, place chicken breasts in and cover with provolone cheese.

3. Cover chicken/cheese with spaghetti sauce, using the whole jar. Drizzle Secret Spice Recipie over sauce. Place pan in oven (set to 450 F) and cook for 45 minutes.

4. While Chicken is cooking, boil water and cook Fettucini noodles. You should know how to cook noodles. If you don't, your mother didn't love you.

5. While all that's cooking, chop half your olives, and fine dice the rest. Make sure the olive bits are drained, then mix with feta cheese on the cutting board. Set that aside.

6. Ding! Noodles done! Drain noodles and set as a base on the plate. Like a bed for your chicken. DING! Chicken's done! Scoop out chicken onto bed of noodles. The cheese will have melted and ran into the sauce, don't worry about it.

7. Once the chicken's on there good, scoop out the sauce and cover the chicken evenly. Now grab your olive/feta mix and put a dollop of that on top of the chicken.

8. Ding! Your done! Serve and impress the ladies!

Good luck!

Fat Rock.

P.S. This recipie is Lemur Queen tested, Lemur Queen approved.