Christmas Whimseys....

Hello all. Fat Rock, back again. I was pretty pleased when I snagged my wife, the Lemur Queen. She's a gem. One of the many reasons I love her is that she doesn't take for freaking ever to pick out a Christmas Tree. When I was growing up, my mother Barbie would spend HOURS dragging my father and I from lot to lot to look at frickin' trees. It got to the point where the tree sellers at the local farmer's market would recognize my dad and point out all the new tress they had brought in for the day. But buying the tree was ony half the pain. THEN we had to get it home, and my mother would come out with a tape measure and delineate exactly how many inches we were allowed to cut the lower branches off. Then we would cut exactly 1and 1/4" off the bottom to allow the tree to suck up the special water my mother had prepared.

THEN we would take the tree inside, and prop up the tree and move it around the room to the spot my mother wanted. Once we had the spot picked out, we would rotate the tree in the base(not tightened, of course) untill the "least bald" side was facing out. Then we would tighten the screws, and begin to maneuver the tree to the appropriate angle. And then we would often repeat the process as mom changed her mind several times. All this took several hours. And we haven't even started decorating the tree.

Oh, and a word on my mom's secret tree formula:

6 cups of unfiltered water

3/4 cups sugar

10 grains (650mg) of aspirin.

1 teaspoon sea salt

Optional: 1 to 2 pellets of Miracle Grow (use only after tree has been in house for a week)

And she would make this up OFTEN and pour it into the tree base.

So last year, I was working at a hospital, and didn't have time to get a Christmas Tree with the Lemur Queen so I sent my beloved father, Major Rock, to assist her. We were expecting a death march like what my mom does, but boy were we surprised! She took 10 minutes to find a tree. Lemur Queen had basically three requirements for a Christmas Tree:

1. Green

2. Tree Shaped

3. Not too tall for the apartment.

And Boom, Major and Queen had a tree. Then they brought it home. "How much to cut off?" says Dad. "Whatever you think is appropriate", she says. Dad has the tree up in less than 10 minutes. My future wife compliments the job dad did, and talks about how nice the tree looks.

Fast forward one year.

Lemur Queen and I are standing in the tree lot that a buddy from work has a stake in. What kind of tree do you want honey? Her reply:

1. Green

2. Tree Shaped

3. Not too tall for the apartment

4. Doesn't cost too much.

We have a tree in 5 minutes. We get the tree home. I trim the bottom branches off and the bottom of the tree is cut whatever way I jolly well chosse, because she doesn't have an opinion on it. At this point I'm falling in love all over again. Then we move the tree into position. Fine, tighten the screws on the base. Fine. Straighten the tree. Fine. "Tree looks good honey" From the way she was standing, it did look good.:

She was happy. I was happy. I went into the kitchen to make holiday Rum and Cokes. Then I saw the tree from the side:

Yowsa. We're going to need a LOT of Rum and Cokes before that starts looking straight. Well, my wife has a solution. She digs down into the big delicious brain of hers and remembers something from our preparation for marriage
Yep. We shoved our "Dummies" book under there. I mean, WE wouldn't use it. Right? Who's crazy enough to have a SECOND freaking wedding? I mean, the first one was frazzling enough, but could you imagine getting all those relatives together again? *shudder* So anyways, Lemur Queen held the tree, and I shoved it under the base. We really liked the result:

By the way, this holiday is being made bearable by Gosling's Rum