Bong Hits for Shopping Fantasia

Ok, so I found some stuff at the antique store that I didn't quite get. I took some shots of it, and maybe you can help me. I just......I just don't understand how anyone could want this stuff....
First thing we found were the creepy ceramic penguins:

We decided to name them Beelzebub and Janet. It just seemed fitting. They were probably normal penguins, just going on a road trip and got in a big fight because Beelzebub wouldn't stop for directions and "knew where the hell he was going" and right at that second the artist who sculpted this magnificent pair captured the moment in cheap ceramic. I'm sure the artist later killed himself, as to look into the penguin's eyes is have your life essence pulled into a black hope of despair as the cold washes over you and all joy leaves. GAZE upon the penguins:

Moving on I spotted a pervert monkey. He just seems a little too happy clinging to that mango there, if you know what I'm saying. *wink*wink*Nudge*nudge* My boy Cheeta needs to take a cold shower, or at least put some pants on. Then I made a discovery that I actually tried to purchase. I was intercepted by the Lemur Queen midway to the cash register and had to put it back; but I did get a photo:

I just KNOW that our house would be enriched by having a lovable ceramic die cast of a lovable transient hobo with possible ringworm/foot ulcers with a lovable dog and is moving to/from London and probably smells like some lovable cabbage and cheap booze. Wouldn't you want it? That's what I said. My wife is nuts.


Next up is something that we found together. Lemur Queen and I were wandering around saying "our apartment's nice, but would really make it pop would be some giant ass oil paintings of parrots". We rounded the corner and ZING! there we were:

"But Fat Rock," you say, "Those are actually big ass oil paintings of Macaws, which are technically different from parrots, how can THEY make your apartment awesome?" Well, I know they're Macaws, but I just said "parrot" because that's most most people think of for the imagery. Our reader pool is more popular in the "lay-person parrot" category. So shut it.
We did find another awesome "parrot" (well, actually, this IS probably a parrot. Looks like a Yellow Shouldered Amazon) lamp fixture. Unfortunately, all this crap/treasures were out of our budget, or we'd have an EPIC apartment.
PURE AWESOME There was one item that utterly defied description: The Orbs of Mystery.
At first I thought that they were just weird glass grapes. But upon closer inspection I found they were so much more, they were Orbs of Mystery. Who knows what mighty powers these mystical objects might imbue? A side view of the ORBS: Perhaps these orbs are more than they appear. Perhaps, in my mind, I can use the Orbs of Mystery to summon any object or person. You know, kind like they do in Advanced Dungeons and Dragons(you know, since we can't tell reality and fantasy apart). Hmmmm...... Well, you know, I've always loved "The Fifth Element" starring Bruce Willis and Milla Jovovich.......maybe if I concentrate really hard.......

Oooh. That didn't work too well. Wow, if you look at the picture closely, you get the feeling that she hungers for your very soul.

Reverse, REVERSE!!! Maybe if I just put my hands back on the Orbs of Mystery, I can conjure up something in it's place!

Well, let's try it again. You know, I always thought Lindsay Lohan was cute. Maybe if I think of Lindsay.........

Wow, even in my imagination I can't get crap to work right.......













Now I know why those things are in the "Discount" bin.

Fat Rock.