Ok, let's get this off my chest first and foremost: I'm called Fat Rock for a reason. I am a heavy guy. I weigh over 250 lbs, and it's not muscle. That aside, I don't think I'm looking forward to "More to Love", coming out this week on Fox. The premise of the show is that the "Real Women of America" are not skinny and thin and models like most reality show women, and they need love too.
Normal people, needing love? What a novel idea! They already tried that, didn't they? Average Joe was supposed to be a show featuring average guys all competing for the hand of some beauty queen. Yeah, they touted that the whole purpose of the show was that TRUE beauty was more than just skin deep and that the bevy of guys they lined up were desirable men. That worked great until halfway through the show, when they brought out a bunch of vapid himbos (Himbbo: Male Bimbo) to try out for the lady. Guess who the lady chose? The hot guy. So, they aired a second season, taped during the same time as the first so as not to skew the results. Guess what happened with that one? Yep, hot guy won. Average guy lost. Only on season 3, when the girl involved already knew what the show was about, did the average guy "win".
So what's going to happen here? A gaggle of plus-sized women who have been told they're going to find their dream man are going to show up. Then they compete for the guy. But during the show there's going to be a makeover portion. So, even on a show where they are supposedly celebrating the average woman, Fox is going to tell them they aren't pretty enough or thin enough and so we're going to make you better. Who knows, maybe halfway through the competition a bunch of models will come in and compete for the guy. If that happens, I'd put money down that the "average" girl's gonna lose. Why? Because in real life, real beauty counts, but on reality TV, it's all about looks. And they're full of crap if they say otherwise.
I'm not happy, as it seems that a mixed message is being sent out regarding body image and type. And they're being patronizing as hell while they're doing it.
I know I'm no George Clooney. Part of the reason why I can do all the crap I can, is because I learned it to increase my attractiveness. And I couldn't afford plastic surgery and lipo. Know what? It worked. "Inner Beauty" won out and I am married to a great woman. She even thinks I'm cute. I'm sure that opinion has been helped by the fact that I can cook, clean, sew, do minor home and automotive repairs, paint, decorate, can dress and am good with animals and children.
Also, my study of martial arts has enabled me to give bitchin' massages.
Ok, I've worked off enough steam. I feel better.
Fat Rock.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
A belated thanks
This weekend was the 16th Annual Dilli Dash, set up as a benefit to the crew of the USCG Diligence. A bunch of really fit people show up and run and the proceeds benefit the officers and crew of the ship. Not entirely sure HOW it benefits them, but we're a pro-military family here, so we go anyways.
In our town, there is a farmer's market which starts at around 8. The Dilli Dash also starts at around 8. So, traffic is blocked off and the farmers can't get to their stalls because of the race. Most of the sellers are cool with it. Some are hippies and don't like the armed forces, but they're also usually pacifists and won't do anything about it. Then there's the Tarheel Beef guy.
Asshole.
Last year at the Dilli Dash the slow runners were being plagued by this guy. When a race starts, the slow people line up in the back so they won't hold up the fast folks. It's common courtesy. So when the race starts, the walkers, the stroller pushers, and the fatties are always in the back and not moving too fast. Last year as soon as the race started the barricades where lifted and the cars were allowed to follow the racers up to their stalls. The Tarheel Beef Guy was in front of the line, and RIDING THE ASSES of the fatties. He was also leaning out his truck window and yelling. Also, honking the horn. Jackass. It's not like the fat guys don't know they're slow. They're doing the best they can. The Beef Guy is a fattie too, so he should understand. But he didn't. So he followed the slow people, honked, yelled, and tailgated them all the way to his assigned stall.
The Coast Guardsmen noticed this. Kinda hard not to. Fast forward to the next race, about 2 weeks after the '08 Dilli Dash. The racers are all lined up. The farmers market vendors are lined up all behind them. Fatties are in the back. Tarheel Beef Jackass is in the front of the vendor convoy. About 5 mins before the race starts a bunch of Coasties start forming up at the rear of the race. They form up, about 4 men wide and 6 deep. Not a large formation.
Then the race starts. The fast people take off. The pack of average runners ambles off. The Coasties don't move. The Fatties, Walkers, and Stroller Pushers move out, making a slow exit from the starting area. The Coasties start a very slow walk. Very Slow. Behind everyone. The barricades lift, and the vendors vehicles start towards their stalls. In the very front once again is the Tarheel Beef Jackass. As soon as the barricades are lifted he moves quickly to get right up the butt of the slow runners.
But this time something different happens. There are 20 or so very fit men moving oh-so-slowly up the street. In formation. Blocking his path. The Tarheel Beef Jackass rolls down his window and starts fussing loudly the the Coast Guardsmen. The Coasties, still moving slowly up the street, turn and give the stink eye to the Tarheel Beef guy. The Tarheel Beef Jackass, winces, reconsiders being an asshole for the day, and promptly rolls up his window and shuts the hell up.
So, this problem didn't happen this year, but I wanted to make sure that the Coasties got some recognition for last year. Even though I'm not a runner, I appreciate you guys protecting the slow ones from bullies.
Thank you.
Fat Rock.
In our town, there is a farmer's market which starts at around 8. The Dilli Dash also starts at around 8. So, traffic is blocked off and the farmers can't get to their stalls because of the race. Most of the sellers are cool with it. Some are hippies and don't like the armed forces, but they're also usually pacifists and won't do anything about it. Then there's the Tarheel Beef guy.
Asshole.
Last year at the Dilli Dash the slow runners were being plagued by this guy. When a race starts, the slow people line up in the back so they won't hold up the fast folks. It's common courtesy. So when the race starts, the walkers, the stroller pushers, and the fatties are always in the back and not moving too fast. Last year as soon as the race started the barricades where lifted and the cars were allowed to follow the racers up to their stalls. The Tarheel Beef Guy was in front of the line, and RIDING THE ASSES of the fatties. He was also leaning out his truck window and yelling. Also, honking the horn. Jackass. It's not like the fat guys don't know they're slow. They're doing the best they can. The Beef Guy is a fattie too, so he should understand. But he didn't. So he followed the slow people, honked, yelled, and tailgated them all the way to his assigned stall.
The Coast Guardsmen noticed this. Kinda hard not to. Fast forward to the next race, about 2 weeks after the '08 Dilli Dash. The racers are all lined up. The farmers market vendors are lined up all behind them. Fatties are in the back. Tarheel Beef Jackass is in the front of the vendor convoy. About 5 mins before the race starts a bunch of Coasties start forming up at the rear of the race. They form up, about 4 men wide and 6 deep. Not a large formation.
Then the race starts. The fast people take off. The pack of average runners ambles off. The Coasties don't move. The Fatties, Walkers, and Stroller Pushers move out, making a slow exit from the starting area. The Coasties start a very slow walk. Very Slow. Behind everyone. The barricades lift, and the vendors vehicles start towards their stalls. In the very front once again is the Tarheel Beef Jackass. As soon as the barricades are lifted he moves quickly to get right up the butt of the slow runners.
But this time something different happens. There are 20 or so very fit men moving oh-so-slowly up the street. In formation. Blocking his path. The Tarheel Beef Jackass rolls down his window and starts fussing loudly the the Coast Guardsmen. The Coasties, still moving slowly up the street, turn and give the stink eye to the Tarheel Beef guy. The Tarheel Beef Jackass, winces, reconsiders being an asshole for the day, and promptly rolls up his window and shuts the hell up.
So, this problem didn't happen this year, but I wanted to make sure that the Coasties got some recognition for last year. Even though I'm not a runner, I appreciate you guys protecting the slow ones from bullies.
Thank you.
Fat Rock.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Bored on a Friday Night
Hail All.
Fat Rock is back. Not that you cared. We've been working on our new house for a while, and now we're nearing completion and an actual move in day. Of course, once we move in I'll drop this again so I can unpack all my crap. More on that later.
But my wife and I are big fans of Netflix. Since we hate wandering around the Blockbuster paying $5 per movie, we just get the $9 a month deal with as many movies as we can watch, one movie at a time. Best thing about Netfilx though, is the Queue. We put all the movies we want to see on there, and they ship them in order that we put them on the list. The Queue gets pretty long, so sometimes the movies we put on there we forget about untill they show up at our door. Lemur Queen is particularly bad about updating and ordering the movies, which has enabled me to get such gems as KING BOXER and FIVE DEADLY VENOMS delivered to our door. The Queen is going to give me my commupence though, as I'm sure there's at least 3 seasons of Jon and Kate Plus 8 coming at some point. *shudder*
Anyways, just wanted to give you all a head's up.
Fat Rock is back. Not that you cared. We've been working on our new house for a while, and now we're nearing completion and an actual move in day. Of course, once we move in I'll drop this again so I can unpack all my crap. More on that later.
But my wife and I are big fans of Netflix. Since we hate wandering around the Blockbuster paying $5 per movie, we just get the $9 a month deal with as many movies as we can watch, one movie at a time. Best thing about Netfilx though, is the Queue. We put all the movies we want to see on there, and they ship them in order that we put them on the list. The Queue gets pretty long, so sometimes the movies we put on there we forget about untill they show up at our door. Lemur Queen is particularly bad about updating and ordering the movies, which has enabled me to get such gems as KING BOXER and FIVE DEADLY VENOMS delivered to our door. The Queen is going to give me my commupence though, as I'm sure there's at least 3 seasons of Jon and Kate Plus 8 coming at some point. *shudder*
Anyways, just wanted to give you all a head's up.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Home Sweet Home
Sorry for the lack of posts. It's not because nothing has been going on in the Fat Rock/ Lemur Queen household. Au Contraire. We've been busy. With what? Why buying and improving on our house, of course!!
Yep. In less than a month, we will be leaving the fortress, and moving into our own home. 1400 square feet of FREEDOM!! Two car garage, nice big yard, and most importantly, no drunken upstairs neighbors.
For the last 3 weeks, we have been improving on the new place. New appliances, new kitchen floors, tearing down wallpaper, and making the garden a thing of beauty. It really is. You should see it. Once our pictures are developed, you WILL see it. Yeah, we don't own a digital camera, we're lame like that.
So far, home ownership is pretty cool, if a little expensive. We are now part of the crowd hanging out at Lowes on Saturday morning, debating the relative merits of flat vs. eggshell vs. semi-gloss paint. It's GREAT. Now I know why my parents dragged us kids to home improvement stores. It's like the grown up version of Toys R' Us.
Anyway, that's what's up in the Rock/Queen household. Still running, still working, now with wall paper removal powers! More to come! Promise!
Lemur Queen
Yep. In less than a month, we will be leaving the fortress, and moving into our own home. 1400 square feet of FREEDOM!! Two car garage, nice big yard, and most importantly, no drunken upstairs neighbors.
For the last 3 weeks, we have been improving on the new place. New appliances, new kitchen floors, tearing down wallpaper, and making the garden a thing of beauty. It really is. You should see it. Once our pictures are developed, you WILL see it. Yeah, we don't own a digital camera, we're lame like that.
So far, home ownership is pretty cool, if a little expensive. We are now part of the crowd hanging out at Lowes on Saturday morning, debating the relative merits of flat vs. eggshell vs. semi-gloss paint. It's GREAT. Now I know why my parents dragged us kids to home improvement stores. It's like the grown up version of Toys R' Us.
Anyway, that's what's up in the Rock/Queen household. Still running, still working, now with wall paper removal powers! More to come! Promise!
Lemur Queen
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Stripping for Success?
Ok, so it's Sunday afternoon. My wife is cooking dinner, and I'm in another room playing World of Warcraft. Lemur Queen runs in and says "Rock, I think I'm missing out on the good life. I should have been a stripper." It seems there was an upcoming special called "Mommy's a Stripper!" coming up on the local news on wednesday. I assure you, the Fat Rock household will be tuning in for that riveting broadcast. According to my lovely wife they had a preview of the segment where a "dancer" was showing her whole face and saying "I ain't shamed none. I work tree days uh week and make moar then mai husband". Come to think of it, there was supposedly a girl at my college who worked weekends at the local strip club and supposedly "paid her way through school". Sidebar: The girl was also supposedly a marketing major.
Anyhoo, Lemur Queen tells me they according to this segment, strippers make a ton of cash. So I looked it up online. My findings? This: Boobies+Men=$$$$
It seems there's a whole "mental game" behind stripping that I wasn't aware of. I though the entirety of the stripping business model was:
1. Take of clothes and shake chest
2. ........
3. PROFIT!
Seems there's a lot more to it. I'll let you know how the segment goes.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Am I Goofy?
We are back from our vacation. A complete Disney roundup is on the way, but this will have to hold you until then.
Disney World was wonderful. Perfect weather, not too crowded, etc. etc. It was also the weekend of the Disney Marathon. 45,000 people running through the parks. Half marathon on Saturday, full marathon on Sunday. Half marathon finishers received a Donald Duck medal, full marathoners the Mickey Mouse.
Since it IS Disney World, the races were well organized, fun and friendly. Runners started at 4:50 AM (!) with a firework start. They ran throughout the parks, with a beautiful finish areas in the EPCOT parking lot. Again, since it is Disney World, the runners seemed more along the lines of "family looking for an excuse to vacation and keep working out" as opposed to "Chicken breasted sternum guy, who would only have fun on his cross training day."
All of this combined to encouraged Fat Rock and I to attempt Disney Racing in 2010! Fat Rock is going for the half, and I'm going for the full!! It will be Fat Rock's first half, and my first full marathon! What better place for 13.1 (or 26.2) than Disney World?
But wait? What's that THIRD medal? Is it GOOFY!?!?!? How did those runners get that? Why, the Goofy Challenge, of course. They ran the half on Saturday, and the full on Sunday. Get it? Two races, one weekend! Goofy! HAHAHAHAHA
OK, as you all know, I'm a little competitive (stop laughing) Once I found out about this Goofy Challenge, I HAD to have in. Who cares that I've never ran a marathon before?? I'm 5 feet of pure energy! AND extra bling. It would also give me a chance to hang out and support Fat Rock during the half. He's probably going to run the race at a slower pace than my usual half, so it shouldn't be TOO taxing, right?
So what do you think? Am I goofy?
Lemur Queen
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Thanksgiving with the Rock Clan.....
(Fat Rock note: Yes, I know this is late. Bite me)
Ah, the holidays. Time to pause and give thanks for the bounty that God has bestowed upon us. Time to reflect on our lives and be gratefull. Time to spend an entire extended weekend with people you would normally do anything to avoid. Not that all my family is odd. There's lots of cool people in there. It's just that....only the wierdos show up consistently to holiday gatherings. The cousin that's a PR exec that's funny and is happily married to a super guy? Yeah, I haven't seen her in years. The Uncle who is rarely employed, been married four times and is so poor he won't fix one of his broken teeth fixed and instead opts never to smile? Yeah, he's there every time I'm there. Insane aunt who's in her 60s and recently got a tatoo of her favorite NFL team ON HER ASS and wants to show it off to the family? She's there all the time. Aunt who is really nice, has two cats and two wonderfull kids and the friendly and earnest husband, hardly ever there. See what I'm getting at? Well, this is what I brought my wife into for Thanksgiving. Her family is pretty small, with very few extended relatives. I have 13 cousins, numerous aunts and uncles, and about 6 2nd cousins. Add to that several ex-husbands, illegitamate children, and "new" Signifiacnt Others and you have quite a stew.
My wife spent the entire time saying "..uh.....WHO are you again?...." and trying to make small talk all week. For those of you who don't know the Lemur Queen, she hates small talk. Oh, and one of the cousins had a baby. This would make my grandmother a great-great-grandmother. Now, due to the size of the family, I am certainly NOT the first grandson to get married, but in the family I am the only son/child of my father, so I am exepected to reproduce. So the question was posed to my wife many times......when are you two going to have a baby?
Lemur Queen does not like that line of questioning. We have discussed children. We will be having them. But we were married less than a year ago and live in a small apartment. We need to get a house. THEN baby. But before we get a baby, we're going to get a parrot. Probably an African Red-Belly Parrot. They are not as loud as other parrots, and can talk and play. Also, they should live around 25 years. I figure they'd be great training for a kid. I'd have to spend time with it, train it, and not cuss around it or it will learn the bad words. Just like kids right? And if I can't kill a parrot, I won't kill a baby. This line of logic is Lemur Queen approved.
Fat Rock.
Ah, the holidays. Time to pause and give thanks for the bounty that God has bestowed upon us. Time to reflect on our lives and be gratefull. Time to spend an entire extended weekend with people you would normally do anything to avoid. Not that all my family is odd. There's lots of cool people in there. It's just that....only the wierdos show up consistently to holiday gatherings. The cousin that's a PR exec that's funny and is happily married to a super guy? Yeah, I haven't seen her in years. The Uncle who is rarely employed, been married four times and is so poor he won't fix one of his broken teeth fixed and instead opts never to smile? Yeah, he's there every time I'm there. Insane aunt who's in her 60s and recently got a tatoo of her favorite NFL team ON HER ASS and wants to show it off to the family? She's there all the time. Aunt who is really nice, has two cats and two wonderfull kids and the friendly and earnest husband, hardly ever there. See what I'm getting at? Well, this is what I brought my wife into for Thanksgiving. Her family is pretty small, with very few extended relatives. I have 13 cousins, numerous aunts and uncles, and about 6 2nd cousins. Add to that several ex-husbands, illegitamate children, and "new" Signifiacnt Others and you have quite a stew.
My wife spent the entire time saying "..uh.....WHO are you again?...." and trying to make small talk all week. For those of you who don't know the Lemur Queen, she hates small talk. Oh, and one of the cousins had a baby. This would make my grandmother a great-great-grandmother. Now, due to the size of the family, I am certainly NOT the first grandson to get married, but in the family I am the only son/child of my father, so I am exepected to reproduce. So the question was posed to my wife many times......when are you two going to have a baby?
Lemur Queen does not like that line of questioning. We have discussed children. We will be having them. But we were married less than a year ago and live in a small apartment. We need to get a house. THEN baby. But before we get a baby, we're going to get a parrot. Probably an African Red-Belly Parrot. They are not as loud as other parrots, and can talk and play. Also, they should live around 25 years. I figure they'd be great training for a kid. I'd have to spend time with it, train it, and not cuss around it or it will learn the bad words. Just like kids right? And if I can't kill a parrot, I won't kill a baby. This line of logic is Lemur Queen approved.
Fat Rock.
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