Heresy! Intrigue! Ecumenical Discord! (Holy Wars II)

Yeah, so.......we're looking for a church. My lovely lady Lemur dropped some of the background, though. I was in fact raised Charismatic. That's like Pentecostals, except they're turned up another notch. Church growing up was pretty wild. When I was in high school I branched out some, and started going to a Baptist youth group. Not for any spititual reasons, but because they had GIRLS. The Charismatics did not. So, yeah, I converted to Catholicism in college. Went 180, and went old school Latin Rite. The parish I went to had a priest who was a convert, and a staunch believer in the old ways. So, our church held mass daily, and had a mass in latin on the first sunday of the month. We also had 24 hour adoration of the Eucharist on the first friday of the month. Seriously, that parish was hardcore. Those of us who were students kinda had to be hardcore, as we went to a Baptist university and we were in the serious minority. There was a Catholic Student Group, and all 6 of us met very quietly. Usually out of sight. If the Campus Crusade people found one of us out, we were hounded to come to "real" church.



Not that I'm bitter or anything. BUT......we are looking for a church.



The first place we tried was Tiny Moravian. I like the Moravians, they're a handshakin' bunch of folks. And if you show up at Christmas, they'll give you a candle, some coffee, and a hamburger bun. But don't call it a hamburger bun or they get snippy. But Like Lemur Queen said, they couldn't get our names right, and we just didn't feel at home.



My wife forgot this, but we also tried Big Barn Methodist. Nice building, right by an Arby's, so if I'm jonesing for beef during the sermon I can duck out without being spotted. But our fellow worshipers were...........uh........farted dust. The pastor tried to have a special "children's message" with the ONE child that was in the congregation. We were the youngest people there by 30 years. When the "spry young greeter" starts the conversation with "hey, my grandchildren are about your age, litle older though.....", you might not fit in.



The we tried the local Catholic church. Our Lady of Perpetual Guilt. I didn't like it. It was a very modern, and very liberal place. And there was one more thing. The priest. A long time ago I worked in an Army hospital for a few weeks. I used to have to run up to Code Blues and whatnot and saw one or two people die. That priest was the priest on duty at the hospital. He's cool as a cucumber when somebody's bitin' the big one, but I remebered him. And he kinda freaked me out, becuase the voice he used to deliver the sermon was exactly the same pace, tone and loudness that he delivered Last Rights to the dying. Kinda spooky.



THEN we tried Baptist Church #1. Nice folks, good sermon, nice range of people there(NOT all oldies, like some have said, Love you honey!). Then they did the follow-up call. It was pretty quick. The gentlemen was very polite, except when he asked from what church we would be moving our "letters of membership" to. I've never had one of those, as neither Catholics or Charismatics write letters for stuff like that (if there's a clergyman reader, explain please?). So, I just told him what churches we were coming from. Papists must not be welcome, as the call ended 5 seconds after he found us out.



Then we tried Baptist Church #2. Everything Lemur Queen said was dead on accurate. This was a very contemporary church. Big band, lots of singers. I did notice that only one or two singers seemed to have their mics on, though they all had mics with them. BIG jumbotrons with the song words on them, complete with inspiring backgrounds that looked like something from a Christian version of Powerpoint. But again, a good group of people. Then the pastor got up. Wow. Sexual abuse sermon. Wow. Slightly uncomfortable. Wanna know what's more uncomfortable? The sunday that sermon was given.....was Mother's Day. The tabernacle was packed with families. Not good times. What finally did it for us, however, was when Lemur Queen was ambushed by a little girl who evidently thought my wife was her momma. Then she looked up, saw my wife, screamed, and ran away. *I* am an ugly bugger, and I have frightened so many children that it doesn't register with me anymore. Lemur Queen, however, is a very pretty girl and she did not appreciate being yelled at.



The we tried St. Random's Prespyterian. They're like the Anglicans. Catholic Lite, half the saints, all the guilt! I can't really comment about the service, as I was knocked unconscious by the overwhelming stale perfume that was radiating like a stinky halo from the woman in the large hat in front of us. Lemur Queen was ok, as she was off to the side, but I was directly behind her, got a nosefull, and passed out. So, we may have to go back and sit somewhere else so I can remember the service.



The last church we tried was Our Lady of The Scary Part of Town. It's in an appropriate place for the name, and is a very old brick dome chruch. OLD SCHOOL. Hoorah! Old priest, old style servie, and old style building. They even got candle shrines. Of the churches we've been to so far, I like it the best. But my better half wasn't thrilled. So, the search continues.



Before I go, I need to ask two questions of the audience:



1. Why do protestant churches have those little "friendship" books that everyone has to sign? I don't remember Jesus ever doing a parable about the "The Frequent Attender And His Friendship Book" What's the deal?



2. Why are there no Second Baptist Churches anywhere? Or Second Methodist Chruches? The Lutherans, Prespyterians, Anglicans, and Catholics are all named after somebody or something, by why to Methodists and Baptists have numbers? And why only first? What's the Deal?



Fat Rock.